


our last goodbye

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Emotions, Goodbyes, M/M, canon thoughts guys, get tissues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 13:49:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10992207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: yeah so i am very evil and very sorry ...





	our last goodbye

 

It's late, there's boxes everywhere and Robert watches Aaron as he brushes his teeth in the bathroom, toothbrushes are basically the only thing they haven't boxed away yet. It's nothing really, in the grand schemes of Amazing Things Aaron Has Done but just the way he delicately strokes his hands across this stupid cape Robert used to parade around in is just ... _enough_. Robert's heart practically leaps out of his chest and won't stop aching as he feels the foam of toothpaste become too acidic for his mouth to bare. So he spits out, takes his eyes off away from Aaron just for a second and he chastises himself for doing so.

  
_'Not long now you idiot, don't turn away from him.'_

  
He knows he can't, he knows he has to hold onto every second of this, every single second because, it's not like he's getting to have another with Aaron is it?

  
Aaron finally looks up and Robert feels something settle in his chest, it's maddening, how dizzy just one look from Aaron makes him.

  
"Ya want to go bed now?" Aaron says, itches the side of his face and then looks at Robert standing awkwardly in the doorway. "Ya alright, ya seem a bit ... _off_." He can't place it, hasn't been able to since Robert suggested they sacked getting hammered in their new home for a _chat_.

  
Robert knew he wasn't good at feelings and talking, didn't understand the urgency, didn't want to more importantly.

  
Robert nods his head, pulls a face which is meant to tell Aaron he's tired and just that. Aaron stands, pats at his jeans and then rubs a hand down his thigh, flickers of dust circle the air and then he smiles. "Well good looking at all that of yours." He says, head towards the boxes Diane showed him. "Didn't realise you had _always_ been a geek."

  
Robert tries to laugh, _so_ desperately but he just can't do it right. It comes out forced, like the laugh he gives to the snobby client who he just wants a deal from. It's hollow, filled with nothing and he hates how Aaron seems to notice just a little, the flicker in his eyes gives the game away. Why is it so easy for Aaron to buckle, to let his feeling show? Sometimes Robert wants to hate him for it, wants to really hate him but of course he fails at that too. He can't blame Aaron for his own ability to lie and lie and lie and become numb to his own actions, and their consequences.

  
"Right well uh, mind the boxes yeah?" Aaron says as he passes, hands firmly gripping Robert's upper arms and squeezing as if he's trying to find balance in Robert as he goes by him. How ironic, Robert thinks, considering he's about to throw everything Aaron knows completely off balance, he's going to ruin it all.

 

~

 

Aaron leaves him for no more than a few minutes and it's enough to make Robert want to cry. He's able to lay in their bed, the bed that was Aaron's and then theirs for their love affair and then Aaron's again and then -

  
He closes his eyes and looks towards the empty space where Aaron should be, a voice inside him forces them to be open, tells himself to pull them open and face his future, face the _inevitable_. A future without Aaron, a future where he will be alone, so alone.

  
Aaron's by the door by the time Robert finally pulls his eyes away from the empty spot in the bed. He has an eyebrow raised and a towel over his shoulder which is damp, he's washed his hair and it's gone all mad and curly and Robert feels his heart break again over something so _normal_. It's almost sad.

  
"You okay?" Aaron keeps asking, just won't stop and Robert can't do anything but force another smile, watch Aaron try and climb towards him over the boxers in his way, it's a struggle, it's ironic again.

  
Robert gulps hard, sees Aaron throw the towel on the floor and then climb into bed. He heaves out a sigh, looks worn out and Robert can't help but just stare at him. It's mad, again, but he can't help himself. He has the time now, it's dark yet the moon is still shining through the windows which lack curtains now they have been pulled down. It gives Robert enough light to be able to see Aaron's face in all its glory, he sees his thick black eyelashes, he sees his eyes, those eyes, he sees a tiny droplet of water on his hair. He sees and sees and doesn't want to stop. Robert's eyes flutter as he looks at the small lines around Aaron's face and then thinks about the way he looks when he smiles, how dazzling and bright it is. Aaron's smile could light up the whole world if there was ever the need to, if the Sun wanted a day off or something.

  
Robert's thoughts start to wonder and then Aaron's pushing the covers over them, forcing the older man to snap out of his weird ideas and instead try at least to act normal around his husband, for one more night at least, for one last night.

  
Aaron's doing his usual thingy, pulling and pushing and trying to adjust the pillow and then he's eyes are already drooping and Robert has to catch his breath. There's a giant pang of panic which hits him out of absolutely no where and he realises that Aaron can't go to sleep so quickly. He needs more time, he needs so much more time.

  
Robert gently touches Aaron's hands, it's so soft, so delicate of him and Aaron offers him a soft and sleepy smile which makes Robert melt inside.

  
The space between them is only a few inches but it feels like miles, makes Robert envision standing on the other side of a stretch of land, a river between him and Aaron which is only being filled with more and _more_ water.

  
_'Too much water under the bridge Rob, that's what you're own messed up analogy is letting you know.'_

  
Robert sighs, tells his own thoughts to frankly piss off because he needs to focus on the feel of Aaron's hands. He thinks back to how many times he used to want to hold Aaron's hand, how it linked back to that farm boy, that lad, _Jamie_ , all those years ago. That same fluttery feeling inside him wouldn't go away, just wouldn't, so of course he fell in love. Fell so hard that he just had to mess it up, just _had_ to.

  
Aaron's eyes widen just a little as he sees the look on Robert's face. "What's up with your face?" He mumbles out, half of his words directed towards his pillow as his face is pushed towards it.

  
Robert shudders, still stroking Aaron's hand. "Come - just come here." He says, can't help the way his arms instinctively reach out towards Aaron, towards his hands, his waist, just _him_.

  
Aaron doesn't really know what to say, feels like there's something wrong, _knows_ , but he can't bring himself to make it into something right now, so he just obliges, he just shuffles into Robert's arms.

  
Robert holds him, looks down at the top of Aaron's head and suddenly takes a sharp intake of breath as he thinks to himself, this is your world. He's holding the person who he loves just _because_ , never had that feeling before, never thought he'd have the capability to form such a sentence, such a conclusion. And everything shatters inside him, he knows this is _it_.

  
He knows that once he blurts out the whole sorry mess that Aaron won't even be able to look at him anymore let alone let Robert hold him in his arms like this. This feeling, this natural warm feeling will seize to exist for Robert, it will be a distant and troublesome memory filed under What You Lost in his brain and he'll think about it every single day, he'll be dying, thinking about this moment, thinking about Aaron wriggling beneath him like a child, trying to be comfortable, in his arms. Maybe one day he'll be able to smile about it, think about how _lucky_ he was to be able to say that he held Aaron in his arms.

 

 _Maybe_.

  
"Can't believe I'm leaving this place." Aaron says, seems to be a little more awake.

  
Robert strokes Aaron's arm and looks around the room. "You've lived here a while, must be weird to be leaving." He says softly.

  
Aaron laughs quietly, "If you had told me when I moved in that I'd be moving out eventually 'cause I'd have bought Carl King's gaff with my _husband_ , I'd have laughed in your face, then punched ya as well."

  
Robert can believe that, smiles and then kisses Aaron's head. "Ya know how proud I am of you?" He can't stop himself, can't help the way he makes Aaron have to twist his body towards him in surprise.

  
"Yeah." Aaron says awkwardly, "I'm proud of you too." He says, doesn't know what else to say but means it all the same.

  
Robert's eyes shut automatically and he feels like someone's just dropped a pool of liquid marked ' **Guilty** ' right over him and it's sticky and uncomfortable and just won't let him _be_.

  
"Don't say that." Robert says too quickly, "Aaron -"

  
Aaron shakes his head, "No I will, I will 'cause - I _am_. I'm _proud_ Rob." He says, kisses Robert lightly on the lips and then pulls away. "When will ya ever just be proud of yourself eh? You know, when it really matters?"

  
Does it matter now? Robert thinks, wonders if his dad would be proud of him for what he's going to do tomorrow.

  
It's not a brave think to do, breaking Aaron's heart, it's not _noble_ , it's just - what needs to be done. That's all.

  
Robert smiles gently, shudders and then gulps hard as he grips hold of Aaron's arms. "You know if - if I could, I'd do so many things - things differently Aaron." He says, it just gushes out of him like he's a dam with no barrier to help him, to _stop_ him.

  
Aaron sees the panic in Robert's eyes, feels his own heart start beating like mad.

  
"... But - we're good now aren't we." Aaron whispers, "All that _stuff_ , it doesn't matter."

  
It does, of course it does, it matters every single time they have an argument and it all gets trudged back up again. Over and over again.

  
Robert nods, moves closer until he's burying his face into Aaron's neck and fighting this urge to cry, to just let everything out.

  
Aaron places a hand on his back and it's enough to make Robert feel tears prick his eyes, enough to make him pull arms out and stretch them over Aaron's whole body. He's holding all of Aaron, won't let go, can't let go tonight but then Aaron's pushing him away, wanting to see his face.

  
"Where's this come from?" Aaron asks, refers to Robert's clingy attitude, the fact that even now Robert's holding his hands. He makes a guess, leaps, "Is it 'cause we looked at all those things of yours, did it remind ya of your dad?"

  
Robert sniffs, "Maybe." He says, doesn't even have it in him to lie anymore.

  
Aaron's mouth twitches and then he's looking right into Robert's eyes, "He'd want ya happy Rob, you know that, I - everything else is messy but you being happy, he'd want that, more than anything else."

  
Everything melts in Robert, it's true and for a second he thinks about turning back on his words, keeping it all inside and practising being happy in this bliss.

  
Then there's Rebecca though, telling him that his whole relationship is built on a foundation of _lies_. It's true, it's horrifying but it's true regardless. How can he be happy knowing that he's trapped Aaron in this web of deceit for the rest of his life.

  
"Never deserved you." Robert says, has a hand on Aaron's left check. "Never." He shakes his head softly and then he has tears in his eyes. "Just wish I loved you better." He whispers gently, feels such a deep regret inside him start to grow, flourish, push soil all over the bed, marring it completely.

  
Aaron pushes his head back in surprise, "Why would ya say that?" He says, can't comprehend it, feels like it's _too_ much.

  
"- But I did, I _did_ love you, in my own fucked up way Aaron. I do, I do, I still do." Robert says, almost madly, feels like he has to give everything to this moment.

  
He can see the way Aaron's looking at him, he's almost scared of what else he comes out with and it makes Robert stop himself dead.

  
It's his last night, with his husband, it's like the ending of a book, the last chapter, the last sentences being written on a page. It's all just nearly _done_ and he can't spend it like this, making Aaron confused and unsettled.

  
He just needs to show him how much love he has, how much adoration he will always have for Aaron.

  
"I'll always love you." Robert whispers, starts stroking Aaron's arm once again and then looks at Aaron. "Always. No - no matter what happens -" he can't bring himself to keep looking at Aaron, "Just know that - I'm yours forever."

  
Aaron nods, an anxious smile forming on his face as he soaks it in. "Hope so, I mean we _are_ married and that, have a house too now you know."

  
Robert smiles, tries to find a lightness and grabs hold of it for dear life. "Yeah, course." He says, a little unsteady.

  
Aaron yawns, a signal that it's time up for Robert and this pillow talk which has masked a goodbye.

  
"Just think, this time tomorrow we'll be in our home." Aaron says, so excited, so happy to finally have a place of his own, a fresh fucking start and all that. It just hurts Robert even more.

  
"I know." Robert whispers, thinks about it, about how much of his stuff will be chucked out the window, how many photo frames will be smashed to pieces once he utters her name, and what they did, and who she's carrying.

  
Aaron mumbles something, it sounds like an I love you and then his eyes shut, hand out open for Robert to hold. He does, of course he does.

  
It's dead silent in the room, only the sound of Aaron's chest heaving up and down fills the room. Robert's staring, watching Aaron, watching him for the last time like this, with the ability to just see him without cringing with guilt and despair and hurt because - Aaron could hurt him tomorrow, not physically, but emotionally, Aaron could fire arrows to his heart and leave him with absolutely nothing left in this world. He would, Aaron would and yet Robert still loved him with all his heart.

  
Robert keeps watching, thinks about how much he wanted to say whilst he had the chance, whilst no one was around and Aaron still loved him and looked at him like he was the sun and the moon and the stars too. He'd hate him by tomorrow, properly this time, with no effort like before, like when Robert was shot and he tried with all his mite to wish him dead.

  
"Love you too." He whispers to a sleeping Aaron, kisses his soft curls and then his temple before pulling the covers over them both and fighting the urge to cry.

  
"Goodbye Mr Sugden." He adds, because he always says it, every night, like a little tradition.

  
Well he usually says 'goodnight', but a 'goodbye' is more fitting now he thinks as he closes his eyes and lets Aaron's hand go.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so i am very evil and very sorry ...


End file.
